LAST NINE MONTHS: PART ONE

PART ONE: CHANGING

Good day as March moves into spring! Do you also wonder if Tuesday the 10^th will be the red letter day beginning to turn around 2009’s financial mess? Connecting on the internet is good as more big March days are coming:

Friday the 13^th, followed by Saturday the 14^th – a 21^st anniversary for me. The used-to-be Tax Day Ides of March comes on the 15th and St. Patrick’s on the 17th, the original Green Day!

During these last nine months my silence, since I posted in June 2008, is not because I fell from a cliff or went underground. No, I’ve been peddling hard to keep my head above water and push myself through difficult work over many incredible days, nights, weeks and months.

Twenty one years ago on March 14, 1988 the truth surfaced in my thoughts about the heavy bundle of abuses buried deep within my mind and body. Sitting in a dentist chair for more than an hour waiting for him to do something, I wrote on a note pad about starting to be aware of sexual abuse, unknowingly revealed in a dream several days earlier. This life shattering moment was a landmark! Today I feel confident I’m preparing to celebrate the truth of my original self. I believe I’m on the eve of embracing the real Mary Elizabeth, a young in spirit, playful, mature woman with a good mind.

About nine months ago on May 30, 2008 I was preparing to donate another pint of blood as I had done for sixteen years. When I began donating blood, my intent was to say there is something of me to give in the depths of isolation marking my life. As I left home, I was keenly aware of how the technicians icily performed the procedures and how their aloofness was repetitive of the controlling atmosphere I experienced in many healthcare environments. The response I recognized within was not good.

I paused and decided not to let this happen again. I chose to start a process of taking control of my responses and reactions within my body and mind. Maintaining a focus on my responses within as the blood-giving process continued without, I became aware of starting to take control. Ending was my continuing to follow their path of forced abdication of my own managing powers that began at age five when I was forced to destroy my imagination.

On that Friday afternoon the door to the process of gaining my own self control was cracked open. For the last nine months I’ve been inch by inch, one by one breaking the tangled, mangled mess of strings and ropes binding me to hatred, pain, rage and self killing. These self denying-destroying actions were my family’s legacy. Emerging from a dark prison of numbness, insensitive to me or others, my feelings and mind overwhelmed me with rage and hatred, controlling the incredible pain of my spirit in my body. As all of my work has been done alone since 1992, again alone I committed to the truth with trust that this past horrific control of me would no longer rule.

An hour later walking out of the blood bank center, for the first time I felt a sense of accomplishment. I began to realize and believe I had the will and power within to discover, grow and manage myself using my natural God given positive gifts and abilities. This change is not visible to people who know me for a few years. However some did and do comment on how I appear to be different, but they are not sure why. How that change or transformation happened within me is connected to what I have grown to believe, know intuitively and experience. Simultaneously, what and how I do and act without is impacted.

(LAST NINE MONTHS: Part Two will be posted shortly)

THE BEGINNING

WELCOME ---

... to my cyberspace word adventure about how I have grown out of a blinding, binding past into resolving life threatening constraints and conflicts. Vital to my process has been choosing to be comfortable and at peace with myself. Hopefully this outcome will help me live into the future with a positive outlook.

I appreciate you visiting my work-in-progress blog and invite you to sign on the upper left to receive email updates when I publish new material. My intent is for readers to gain useful insights as my thoughts develop. This is a new direction to share openly in this Internet blog. Twenty plus years ago my vision did not include this avenue.

PURPOSE OF THIS WEB BLOG

The intent of this writing project is to present an abbreviated edition of what will in time be published in a book and presented in formal and informal speaking and discussion events.

This initial presentation is comparable to the forward, introduction, with me the author-publisher reserving all rights . Updates will be less than or about 500 words or one page of print copy.

In my biography you will note t the prior twenty three years my life and work were dedicated to growing out of a victim's role of self killing pain and hatred into a life of victory: alive, awake, alert to experience the natural pleasure of my original spirit and mind.

Since 1992 my work has been done alone with no help or support. Gradually I grew to understand why I had to work alone and learn to use my intuitive insights creatively.

WHO MIGHT BENEFIT FROM MY WRITINGS, WORDS, BELIEFS?

Anyone with any aspect of emotional, psychological, spiritual, mental or sexual trauma has the power to gain insights about their natural selves through self perspectives, expressions, directions, situations. To successfully embrace the positive, peaceful elements and directions is to know the power of your thoughts and beliefs in harmony with your feelings.

Choosing to using our minds to focus on being aware of our thoughts with feelings are strong openers to a positive process to discover or recover the pleasures of being one's self. It is a process of growing out of dis-ease and growing into being at ease or knowing comfort within of your natural self. In time our comfort will be evident to others. Intuitive self-direction engages the neuroplasticity of our brains.Everyone has the ability to choose to use this natural resource.

Motivated to discover one's unique journey to wholesome wholeness can be the benefit open to everyone who chooses to do so.

FROM VICTIM TO VICTOR

This effort marks a big step forward as I slowly embrace the wonder of knowing my creative self for the first time in my many years. Prior efforts to express myself produced self-killing pain; now expressing my thoughts begins to result in satisfying pleasure. In an upcoming posting you will read how and why Timothy, a hand puppet gray rabbit, is important in my "coming to life" story. Today its meaning continues to be vital. Timothy's picture is at the top of this posting!

My victory celebrates over- coming life-destroying consequences from three life destroying events. Verbal and emotional abuse, incest and abandonment were inflicted on me during my first five years. A powerful consequence of these events forced me to deny to myself the truths of what happened. I was forced to use my child's mind to internalize the pain of my spirit, soul and mind. All of me became bound by hatred into a deep dark closet I intuitively created within my body.

After many decades the dark closet became overwhelmed with the burdens of self killing happenings. I was unaware of the truth that my entire being was deeply entrenched in a lifetime of cycles of pain.

I did not exist. Numb and dumb I was silently alone in the dark.

THE SELF KILLING BLOW

The death cycle within began when I, the little girl, five years old, told my mother about my new imaginary playmate whose daddy played with her but did not hurt her. My mother ordered me to destroy my imagined friend. This action forced me, the little girl, to obey and deny the truths I knew and what I, the little girl needed. I was forced to use my imaginative powers of my mind as my self-killing instrument.

This maternal blow killed within the spirited, playful, curious, outgoing, imaginative, courageous, needing love qualities of me, the little girl whose life path reflected these adulterations as an adult woman. In our perfect family home love's spirit was bottled in the alcoholic spirits stored in the basement. Prohibition followed by the Great Depression framed my young childhood years. My life path grew into my being hidden by self controlling hatred, rage and pain.

An important outcome has been a battle within me of two wills: my mother's will of deny, forbid and punish and my will of reveal, allow and honor. Underlying this deeply embedded conflict is the struggle to uncover my fundamental needs to be connected to my positive qualities within. The next step is to be connected into the world with comparable positive connections. To be able to trust in loving myself and being loved is vital to sustaining my restored natural powers.

This continues as the basic need of my child like spirit and soul striving to live naturally to know pleasure in my mind and body. My ongoing goal is to be fully alive to myself connected to the world as a mature woman of wisdom.