Friday AUGUST 13, 2010 and 2004

Good day ---

If you wondered what happened my silence for almost eighteen months is because what i was working to discover, learn about and engage in to slowly change my thoughts and feelings became to complex to present coherently.

The process and content constrained me from expressing how my inner nature was changing from self killing pain to life giving, affirming pleasure. My past pedaling became crawling on my knees, one hand in front of the other.

I was not able to write words to enlighten me or engage you. It was too difficult as I moved forward one hand at a time. My sense of gaining my self control moved to deep within as slowly I recognized my natural qualities and gradually accepted and internalized deep within my original nature. Forced by my mother to deny my self leaving the real me in a cave of oblivion became my style of life.

I was disconnected and disassociated by self hatred, the only protection I knew. I discovered there was an excruciating poison at the bottom of the pit. This was the residue of my mother's qualities I was forced to internalize to have a semblance of life. I was fooled just as you may have been if you knew me prior to this life saving journey. The true me, my soul, spirit and sexuality were buried in a deep dark cavern in my body.

Today marks the sixth anniversary of what I now know was a critical day in this around-the-clock for twenty four years and more journey of intuitive self discovery. The journey focused on digging me out of consequences from violent significant childhood events. My journey has not been to foreign exotic lands around the globe but to foreign places within my mind, body and spirit to discover, learn about and live into while living externally at the same place at which this journey of action began.

Essential to my learning is to know and experience the truth that victory is to be alive and at ease with my natural self.

On Friday August 13, 2004 mid-afternoon I watched TV as the weather reporters announced that Category 4 Hurricane Charley was swiftly moving north from Florida's southwest coast.The prediction was for it to blow over my Central Florida condo home in the evening. I sat on the edge of the bed sensing this news tapped something strong and unknown deep within I was frozen with fear by this chilling news. I was alone with no protection, no thing, no one.

I did what I could do to protect myself and spent the hurricane hours with my breezeway neighbors, recent immigrants from Eastern Europe. Quietly we huddled in their living room and screen porch as rapidly Charley's powerful winds blew through and the electrical power blew out.

The next day I looked around to learn my home was OK but I was kind of shaky. I swam in the pool to help calm myself and did what I could to exist in the confusion. Friends, with electricity who lived in Harmony, forty miles southeast of Altamonte Springs, invited me to visit until my electric power was restored.

Sunday morning I drove to their home in Harmony. I felt safe but knew the external destruction impacted me in a way I could not describe. Late Monday I learned my electricity was on and returned home to sleep in my own bed. Tuesday morning I woke up shocked and frightened.

When I opened my eyes, the vision in my right eye was gone. Black was my world from that eye. Immediately I called my ophthalmologist. He examined my eye but did not know what was happening and referred me to a retina specialist. Thursday morning I went to his office at Florida Hospital downtown. He conducted several tests and said I needed a blood test immediatley. Off to the hospital's outpatient lab I went for a sedimentation rate test. I knew this test but not its significance as at my first job as a medical lab technologist in the late 1940's I performed many of these tests in Pittsburgh.

Late in the day he called to say what he feared, that I had an inflammatory disease that could leave me blind in both eyes in several days, was not so. He said the I had an optic stroke to the nerve. My response was I think it is caused by the pain I am struggling to overcome. When I described the nature and cause, he said he did not discount my understanding of the cause.

Now six years later I have regained seventy percent of the vision in my right eye. However, in late March this year I was faced with another event involving my left eye and loosing my vision. The diagnosis was wet macular degeneration with a key cause being age and stress. The exposed stress of violence, not fettered by sell hatred, the only protection I knew, overwhelmed me frequently the past year.

Today, the left eye vision is restored and stabilized after three months of ocular injections. The condition is not cured but controlled. Hopefully the present condition will remain for the years to come. Today my vision is a miracle as what I see today is dramatically different than the past when I saw without feelings. Today I delight in experiencing new elements of life around me illuminating feelings in my sensory system.

Now the child within, who needed to be loved when she was violated by our-her-my father, is emerging in the beauty and wonder of her natural self. Some bonds of hatred still exist. Each day I work to continue to release and relieve her from the life time bondage to oblivion.

Critical to this effort is forgiveness, forgiving over and over again in many forms and shapes of many people, many times.

The truth of my work in the present moments is all the memories, remembered acts, words, thoughts, events of my childhood and my life bound by hatred. The ongoing conflict of my will with my mother’s overriding will from infancy meant I had no choice but to internalize her self. Forbidden was my choice.

I have to use my belief and hope to unleash my life from self killing power of memories, an element of my thinking powers, from the constricting powers of my mother's life distorting will. With breaking of the pain of memory I believe the cycle of the self killing pain will no longer control my life, My control of self pleasure is taking the helm to lead my direction into new waters of life.

If my words are difficult to understand, I understand as sometimes I do not comprehend them. Meanings come forward as I step into a new level of my intuitive, spirit-directed journey to grow free from the past paralyzing, inhibiting powers I was forced to embrace.

Sharing these thoughts helps me gain the strength of the child with my adult mind. The outcome isd to become comfortable living a lively life within to shine her-our lights without. The sunflower above is a symbol of that light. One day I will tell my mid 1970’s sunflower story.

This Friday the 13th is a day of emancipation. It is essential to recognize my emerging freedom and delight in the original gift of life God gave me many years ago. Your reading my words is appreciated as I gradually grow into living more victorious minutes and days.

LAST NINE MONTHS: PART ONE

PART ONE: CHANGING

Good day as March moves into spring! Do you also wonder if Tuesday the 10^th will be the red letter day beginning to turn around 2009’s financial mess? Connecting on the internet is good as more big March days are coming:

Friday the 13^th, followed by Saturday the 14^th – a 21^st anniversary for me. The used-to-be Tax Day Ides of March comes on the 15th and St. Patrick’s on the 17th, the original Green Day!

During these last nine months my silence, since I posted in June 2008, is not because I fell from a cliff or went underground. No, I’ve been peddling hard to keep my head above water and push myself through difficult work over many incredible days, nights, weeks and months.

Twenty one years ago on March 14, 1988 the truth surfaced in my thoughts about the heavy bundle of abuses buried deep within my mind and body. Sitting in a dentist chair for more than an hour waiting for him to do something, I wrote on a note pad about starting to be aware of sexual abuse, unknowingly revealed in a dream several days earlier. This life shattering moment was a landmark! Today I feel confident I’m preparing to celebrate the truth of my original self. I believe I’m on the eve of embracing the real Mary Elizabeth, a young in spirit, playful, mature woman with a good mind.

About nine months ago on May 30, 2008 I was preparing to donate another pint of blood as I had done for sixteen years. When I began donating blood, my intent was to say there is something of me to give in the depths of isolation marking my life. As I left home, I was keenly aware of how the technicians icily performed the procedures and how their aloofness was repetitive of the controlling atmosphere I experienced in many healthcare environments. The response I recognized within was not good.

I paused and decided not to let this happen again. I chose to start a process of taking control of my responses and reactions within my body and mind. Maintaining a focus on my responses within as the blood-giving process continued without, I became aware of starting to take control. Ending was my continuing to follow their path of forced abdication of my own managing powers that began at age five when I was forced to destroy my imagination.

On that Friday afternoon the door to the process of gaining my own self control was cracked open. For the last nine months I’ve been inch by inch, one by one breaking the tangled, mangled mess of strings and ropes binding me to hatred, pain, rage and self killing. These self denying-destroying actions were my family’s legacy. Emerging from a dark prison of numbness, insensitive to me or others, my feelings and mind overwhelmed me with rage and hatred, controlling the incredible pain of my spirit in my body. As all of my work has been done alone since 1992, again alone I committed to the truth with trust that this past horrific control of me would no longer rule.

An hour later walking out of the blood bank center, for the first time I felt a sense of accomplishment. I began to realize and believe I had the will and power within to discover, grow and manage myself using my natural God given positive gifts and abilities. This change is not visible to people who know me for a few years. However some did and do comment on how I appear to be different, but they are not sure why. How that change or transformation happened within me is connected to what I have grown to believe, know intuitively and experience. Simultaneously, what and how I do and act without is impacted.

(LAST NINE MONTHS: Part Two will be posted shortly)

THE BEGINNING

WELCOME ---

... to my cyberspace word adventure about how I have grown out of a blinding, binding past into resolving life threatening constraints and conflicts. Vital to my process has been choosing to be comfortable and at peace with myself. Hopefully this outcome will help me live into the future with a positive outlook.

I appreciate you visiting my work-in-progress blog and invite you to sign on the upper left to receive email updates when I publish new material. My intent is for readers to gain useful insights as my thoughts develop. This is a new direction to share openly in this Internet blog. Twenty plus years ago my vision did not include this avenue.

PURPOSE OF THIS WEB BLOG

The intent of this writing project is to present an abbreviated edition of what will in time be published in a book and presented in formal and informal speaking and discussion events.

This initial presentation is comparable to the forward, introduction, with me the author-publisher reserving all rights . Updates will be less than or about 500 words or one page of print copy.

In my biography you will note t the prior twenty three years my life and work were dedicated to growing out of a victim's role of self killing pain and hatred into a life of victory: alive, awake, alert to experience the natural pleasure of my original spirit and mind.

Since 1992 my work has been done alone with no help or support. Gradually I grew to understand why I had to work alone and learn to use my intuitive insights creatively.

WHO MIGHT BENEFIT FROM MY WRITINGS, WORDS, BELIEFS?

Anyone with any aspect of emotional, psychological, spiritual, mental or sexual trauma has the power to gain insights about their natural selves through self perspectives, expressions, directions, situations. To successfully embrace the positive, peaceful elements and directions is to know the power of your thoughts and beliefs in harmony with your feelings.

Choosing to using our minds to focus on being aware of our thoughts with feelings are strong openers to a positive process to discover or recover the pleasures of being one's self. It is a process of growing out of dis-ease and growing into being at ease or knowing comfort within of your natural self. In time our comfort will be evident to others. Intuitive self-direction engages the neuroplasticity of our brains.Everyone has the ability to choose to use this natural resource.

Motivated to discover one's unique journey to wholesome wholeness can be the benefit open to everyone who chooses to do so.

FROM VICTIM TO VICTOR

This effort marks a big step forward as I slowly embrace the wonder of knowing my creative self for the first time in my many years. Prior efforts to express myself produced self-killing pain; now expressing my thoughts begins to result in satisfying pleasure. In an upcoming posting you will read how and why Timothy, a hand puppet gray rabbit, is important in my "coming to life" story. Today its meaning continues to be vital. Timothy's picture is at the top of this posting!

My victory celebrates over- coming life-destroying consequences from three life destroying events. Verbal and emotional abuse, incest and abandonment were inflicted on me during my first five years. A powerful consequence of these events forced me to deny to myself the truths of what happened. I was forced to use my child's mind to internalize the pain of my spirit, soul and mind. All of me became bound by hatred into a deep dark closet I intuitively created within my body.

After many decades the dark closet became overwhelmed with the burdens of self killing happenings. I was unaware of the truth that my entire being was deeply entrenched in a lifetime of cycles of pain.

I did not exist. Numb and dumb I was silently alone in the dark.

THE SELF KILLING BLOW

The death cycle within began when I, the little girl, five years old, told my mother about my new imaginary playmate whose daddy played with her but did not hurt her. My mother ordered me to destroy my imagined friend. This action forced me, the little girl, to obey and deny the truths I knew and what I, the little girl needed. I was forced to use my imaginative powers of my mind as my self-killing instrument.

This maternal blow killed within the spirited, playful, curious, outgoing, imaginative, courageous, needing love qualities of me, the little girl whose life path reflected these adulterations as an adult woman. In our perfect family home love's spirit was bottled in the alcoholic spirits stored in the basement. Prohibition followed by the Great Depression framed my young childhood years. My life path grew into my being hidden by self controlling hatred, rage and pain.

An important outcome has been a battle within me of two wills: my mother's will of deny, forbid and punish and my will of reveal, allow and honor. Underlying this deeply embedded conflict is the struggle to uncover my fundamental needs to be connected to my positive qualities within. The next step is to be connected into the world with comparable positive connections. To be able to trust in loving myself and being loved is vital to sustaining my restored natural powers.

This continues as the basic need of my child like spirit and soul striving to live naturally to know pleasure in my mind and body. My ongoing goal is to be fully alive to myself connected to the world as a mature woman of wisdom.