WELCOME ---
... to my cyberspace word adventure about how I have grown out of a blinding, binding past into resolving life threatening constraints and conflicts. Vital to my process has been choosing to be comfortable and at peace with myself. Hopefully this outcome will help me live into the future with a positive outlook.
I appreciate you visiting my work-in-progress blog and invite you to sign on the upper left to receive email updates when I publish new material. My intent is for readers to gain useful insights as my thoughts develop. This is a new direction to share openly in this Internet blog. Twenty plus years ago my vision did not include this avenue.
PURPOSE OF THIS WEB BLOG
The intent of this writing project is to present an abbreviated edition of what will in time be published in a book and presented in formal and informal speaking and discussion events.
This initial presentation is comparable to the forward, introduction, with me the author-publisher reserving all rights . Updates will be less than or about 500 words or one page of print copy.
In my biography you will note t the prior twenty three years my life and work were dedicated to growing out of a victim's role of self killing pain and hatred into a life of victory: alive, awake, alert to experience the natural pleasure of my original spirit and mind.
Since 1992 my work has been done alone with no help or support. Gradually I grew to understand why I had to work alone and learn to use my intuitive insights creatively.
WHO MIGHT BENEFIT FROM MY WRITINGS, WORDS, BELIEFS?
Anyone with any aspect of emotional, psychological, spiritual, mental or sexual trauma has the power to gain insights about their natural selves through self perspectives, expressions, directions, situations. To successfully embrace the positive, peaceful elements and directions is to know the power of your thoughts and beliefs in harmony with your feelings.
Choosing to using our minds to focus on being aware of our thoughts with feelings are strong openers to a positive process to discover or recover the pleasures of being one's self. It is a process of growing out of dis-ease and growing into being at ease or knowing comfort within of your natural self. In time our comfort will be evident to others. Intuitive self-direction engages the neuroplasticity of our brains.Everyone has the ability to choose to use this natural resource.
Motivated to discover one's unique journey to wholesome wholeness can be the benefit open to everyone who chooses to do so.
FROM VICTIM TO VICTOR
This effort marks a big step forward as I slowly embrace the wonder of knowing my creative self for the first time in my many years. Prior efforts to express myself produced self-killing pain; now expressing my thoughts begins to result in satisfying pleasure. In an upcoming posting you will read how and why Timothy, a hand puppet gray rabbit, is important in my "coming to life" story. Today its meaning continues to be vital. Timothy's picture is at the top of this posting!
My victory celebrates over- coming life-destroying consequences from three life destroying events. Verbal and emotional abuse, incest and abandonment were inflicted on me during my first five years. A powerful consequence of these events forced me to deny to myself the truths of what happened. I was forced to use my child's mind to internalize the pain of my spirit, soul and mind. All of me became bound by hatred into a deep dark closet I intuitively created within my body.
After many decades the dark closet became overwhelmed with the burdens of self killing happenings. I was unaware of the truth that my entire being was deeply entrenched in a lifetime of cycles of pain.
I did not exist. Numb and dumb I was silently alone in the dark.
THE SELF KILLING BLOW
The death cycle within began when I, the little girl, five years old, told my mother about my new imaginary playmate whose daddy played with her but did not hurt her. My mother ordered me to destroy my imagined friend. This action forced me, the little girl, to obey and deny the truths I knew and what I, the little girl needed. I was forced to use my imaginative powers of my mind as my self-killing instrument.
This maternal blow killed within the spirited, playful, curious, outgoing, imaginative, courageous, needing love qualities of me, the little girl whose life path reflected these adulterations as an adult woman. In our perfect family home love's spirit was bottled in the alcoholic spirits stored in the basement. Prohibition followed by the Great Depression framed my young childhood years. My life path grew into my being hidden by self controlling hatred, rage and pain.
An important outcome has been a battle within me of two wills: my mother's will of deny, forbid and punish and my will of reveal, allow and honor. Underlying this deeply embedded conflict is the struggle to uncover my fundamental needs to be connected to my positive qualities within. The next step is to be connected into the world with comparable positive connections. To be able to trust in loving myself and being loved is vital to sustaining my restored natural powers.
This continues as the basic need of my child like spirit and soul striving to live naturally to know pleasure in my mind and body. My ongoing goal is to be fully alive to myself connected to the world as a mature woman of wisdom.
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