Good day as March moves into spring! Do you also wonder if Tuesday the 10th will be the red letter day beginning to turn around 2009’s financial mess? Connecting on the internet is good as more big March days are coming:
Friday the 13th, followed by Saturday the 14th – a 21st anniversary for me. The used-to-be Tax Day Ides of March comes on the 15th and
During these last nine months my silence, since I posted in June 2008, is not because I fell from a cliff or went underground. No, I’ve been peddling hard to keep my head above water and push myself through difficult work over many incredible days, nights, weeks and months.
Twenty one years ago on March 14, 1988 the truth surfaced in my thoughts about the heavy bundle of abuses buried deep within my mind and body. Sitting in a dentist chair for more than an hour waiting for him to do something, I wrote on a note pad about starting to be aware of sexual abuse, unknowingly revealed in a dream several days earlier. This life shattering moment was a landmark! Today I feel confident I’m preparing to celebrate the truth of my original self. I believe I’m on the eve of embracing the real Mary Elizabeth, a young in spirit, playful, mature woman with a good mind.
About nine months ago on May 30, 2008 I was preparing to donate another pint of blood as I had done for sixteen years. When I began donating blood, my intent was to say there is something of me to give in the depths of isolation marking my life. As I left home, I was keenly aware of how the technicians icily performed the procedures and how their aloofness was repetitive of the controlling atmosphere I experienced in many healthcare environments. The response I recognized within was not good.
I paused and decided not to let this happen again. I chose to start a process of taking control of my responses and reactions within my body and mind. Maintaining a focus on my responses within as the blood-giving process continued without, I became aware of starting to take control. Ending was my continuing to follow their path of forced abdication of my own managing powers that began at age five when I was forced to destroy my imagination.
On that Friday afternoon the door to the process of gaining my own self control was cracked open. For the last nine months I’ve been inch by inch, one by one breaking the tangled, mangled mess of strings and ropes binding me to hatred, pain, rage and self killing. These self denying-destroying actions were my family’s legacy. Emerging from a dark prison of numbness, insensitive to me or others, my feelings and mind overwhelmed me with rage and hatred, controlling the incredible pain of my spirit in my body. As all of my work has been done alone since 1992, again alone I committed to the truth with trust that this past horrific control of me would no longer rule.
An hour later walking out of the blood bank center, for the first time I felt a sense of accomplishment. I began to realize and believe I had the will and power within to discover, grow and manage myself using my natural God given positive gifts and abilities. This change is not visible to people who know me for a few years. However some did and do comment on how I appear to be different, but they are not sure why. How that change or transformation happened within me is connected to what I have grown to believe, know intuitively and experience. Simultaneously, what and how I do and act without is impacted.
(LAST NINE MONTHS: Part Two will be posted shortly)
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